The Musings of Writers and Cats

Convince Me Otherwise

2011-10-20T13:30:00.000-07:00

Convince me otherwise.
Muammar Gadaffi was killed today and the world rejoices that another bad man is gone. I am sitting here in my house, trying my best to avoid foreclosure and I am wondering where the American of my childhood has gone.
I can answer that question in two words: Ronald Reagan. Behind his aw-shucks, smiling, dimpled self, with his shock of dark hair, was a cold, calculating man whose basic contempt for the United States government has resonated down through the years. Bushes (daddy and baby Bush) pushed through this contempt until, with only a small reprieve of Clinton, their ultimate Republican goal to ruin any semblance of order, safety and compassion in this nation lies in tatters.
Reagan, who really only liked Nancy, wanted to starve the beast (government), eliminate regulations that kept us safe, cut taxes and cater to the rich at all times. He forgot his own humble beginnings as he made sure that no one but those he liked would achieve parity with his fat cat buddies. Ultimately, when historians point to the beginning of the end of the United States, Ronald Reagan’s years in office will prove to be the turning point from turning this great nation filled with compassion, diversity and a government that was built by and for the people, into a oligarchic state that rewards rich people over everyone.
Reagan’s heirs and their tea party companions hold this nation in contempt. They are venal, prejudiced, and tunnel-visioned. They do not understand that America if for ALL the people, not merely their little enclave of white, scared, nasty and ignorant members. They want to return to a time when anyone who is not like them is subject to their whims and too afraid to speak up.
These Americans hold our president in contempt because he is a man of color. They worship Ronald Reagan, and were he here today, would betray him as Judas did Jesus. They tout that they are real Americans, and hold the Constitution sacred, yet have never read the document in question. They fear the bank that Hamilton established, without understanding that system. They scream that they want tax cuts, but are willing to allow the credit and security of the United States to founder because they are incapable of listening to reason and learning anything other than their own rhetoric.
It’s a shame really, that they invoke Reagan, whose fear-mongering against government programs and safety nets for citizens began all this. Where were these tea party-ists when the Bushes were getting us into wars? Where were they when the deregulation they adore had the banks selling derivative mortgages to all comers? Where were they when the sound bites gave way to reality and everyone came up wanting.
I’ll say it again. Ronald Reagan and his short-term solutions will go down in history as the president who triggered the downfall of America.
There.
So sue me.

Cleveland as Witness Once Again...

2011-06-13T07:06:00.000-07:00

With all the pomp and circumstance, with all the hype, the fanfare, the media frenzy, it was a dream waiting to happen. Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade and LeBron James. Three all-stars, superstars, pitted together to vanquish the mighty Dallas Mavericks.

Unfortunately someone forgot to mention to the Miami Heat that Dallas has 10 people on their team - not three. And when ten people are matched up against three on the open court, it'll be the most painful slaughter in basketball history.

A lot of Cleveland were witness to Miami's stunning defeat, and with Cleveland Cavaliers' owner Dan Gilbert tweeting the Cleveland fans: "...THERE ARE NO SHORTCUTS. NONE." we ALL knew who he was aiming that Twitter message to.

None other than @KingJames himself. =)

Cleveland witnessed something else last night. A good dose of "schadenfreude", the pleasure derived out of someone else's misery. From the last second of Game Six of the NBA Finals, we were hooting and hollering here in Cleveland - without even playing a game. The mighty king had fallen.

Just like he did here last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that. Again, we watched the "bad boy" of basketball simply give up in the playoffs - something we have always scratched our heads over. How can a player who is so good, be so very bad come playoff time? If it was truly all about getting a championship ring when James broke Cleveland's heart and in essence destroyed our city in moving to Miami, why didn't he get it? What excuse could he possibly give?

"Sometimes you got it, sometimes you don't..." was what LeBron said last night to a crowd of bewildered reporters.

This is true, oh mighty king, but why is it you never seem to "got it" in the playoffs?

Maybe it really was all about the money...and not about the ring?
>^^<

A True Patriot of the American Revolution

2011-06-07T12:04:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin is a joke and a disgrace. It’s not that she is a Republican - she really isn’t. (Stella, Paula’s mom was a Republican and a more liberal, far thinking woman you never saw, she just liked the personal responsibility aspect of the OLD GOP and was one to rebel against her Democrat parents.) It’s not that Sarah Palin is a conservative – she is not. It’s because she is an idiot who wears her patriotism on her media sleeve and doesn’t have a clue as to American history, actual values or even the Constitution.

Take for example the famous ride of Paul Revere. One if by land, two if by sea, etc. Revere, a silversmith, set off on his famous ride and into poetic history to warn John Hancock and John Adams that the British were coming – since there were warrants out against them that could have cost them their lives. After all, we were rebelling against the motherland at the time. Apparently, Ms. Palin missed that little bit in school. Probably thinks the Declaration of Independence freed her from her Russian neighbors – you know, the ones she can see from her back yard.

Anyway, enough Palin bashing for today. The woman gives us a rash and is not worth our time, actually. (Wish the media saw it that way…. Ok, enough.)

The person we really want to talk about and to extol is a little known American patriot named Israel Bissell. Who? Israel Bissell is the young man who rode 345 miles, actually riding a horse to death, from near Concord (Boston) to the western edge of Pennsylvania. He rode for 5 days with little sleep and as he rode, he shouted in each town through which he passed “"To arms, to arms. The war has begun!"

Bissell carried with him a handwritten letter dated April 19, 1775, signed by Massachusetts militia Gen. Joseph Palmer which read:

"To all friends of American liberty, be it known that this morning before the break of day, a brigade consisting of about 1,000 or 1,200 men ... marched to Lexington, where they found a company of our colony militia in arms, upon whom they fired, without any provocation, and killed 6 men and wounded 4 others. By an express from Boston, we find that another brigade are now upon their march from Boston, supposed to be about 1,000."

At each town, Bissell’s letter was copied and he was given a fresh horse and sent on his way. His heroism, while unsung by Longfellow, (The scansion for the name Paul Revere was just too good for Henry to overlook) nevertheless exemplifies what the revolution was all about.

Revere, Bissell, and others like them rode throughout the colonies to declare that the British were here and we were at war. They also risked their lives, limbs and sacred honor to spread the news and fire up the people against monarchy and the tyranny of colonialist society. They didn’t ride around in a cushioned bus with their names emblazoned in huge letters on the side, declaring how patriotic they were. They just rode, and inspired a new nation to ring the church bells and seek life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

So this July 4, when all the politicians are glad handing and telling everyone what they want to hear, and the tea partiers pretend that they understand the principles on which this country was founded; while the Republicans make sure that they cater to special interests and the Democrats search diligently for backbones, remember Israel Bissell.

He rode so that you can be free. >^^<

106,000,000 Reasons Harold Camping Doesn't Want the World to End

2011-06-02T06:50:00.000-07:00

Had any of you heard of Harold Camping before, say, May 21st, 1998? Well, doubtless you did, but if not, we're quite sure you've heard of him by now. This moron makes a living, and in fact has made a very lucrative sum of money by perpetrating the most elaborate insurance scam ever devised by the human race: by telling others that God has talked to him on numerous occasions, and plans to destroy the world, and take all the righteous with him - leaving the unfortunate souls left behind to wallow in whatever hell-fire has been prepared.

Your salvation? Pay him MONEY as an offering to God, to be included in the so-called rapture. By paying Mr. Camping's non-profit organization, Family Radio Ministries, a couple of dollars here and there to keep them on the air and broadcasting, you're essentially guaranteed a free ticket to the Afterlife. No jokes, no strings.

How much does Mr. Camping say his organization is worth today? $106 MILLION. He made this money in several ways, mostly by spouting God's messages as if he was advertising the latest fad. And every single week, people forked over their hard-earned money to listen to them.

But then Mr. Camping had an idea. He could swing in even MORE money if he were only more popular. And how do you get popular in this day and age? By making a God-damned fool of yourself. And oh how the money rolled in. When May 21st, 1998 came and went without so much as a shudder from Mother Earth, Mr. Camping knew he was in trouble. And so he tried it again, by backpedaling four years and saying that according to his timeline, the rapture STARTED on September 7, 1994 - and that something huge had happened. We can find no evidence of anything noteworthy on this date apart from James Clavell dying, which really pissed us off a lot. We felt sure that Harold Camping had killed him.

So when May 22nd, 2011 rolled around and the sun was shining and everyone was laughing or hung-over after a Doomsday party, Harold Camping was undaunted. He now reports that his numbers were wrong, and that he was off by five months, so that October 21st, 2011 is actually the day of the Rapture. Did he figure the 30 days in June into that? You have to wonder.

But here is the huge sticking point, and which 100% PROVES Mr. Camping is nothing but a liar and a showman. According to bank records and statements, the man who says he was giving up his "life-savings" as a show of faith, apparently didn't have the same thing in mind for Family Radio. Not one part of that "hard-earned" money was touched.

Which begs the question, WHY NOT? =) If you KNOW the world is going to end, and you truly believe it, hey, why not give up that 106 million-dollar non-profit company as well?! BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE'S LYING.

And you know the worst part of all this? He should be going to prison right now. The IRS should be jumping all over his case to check that 501-C3 non-profit status, and the federal government should be having a little chat with him, talking to former employees of the station, people who have contributed, etc. Constitutionally however, the government CAN NOT impose on anything religiously - unless it;s shown as a complete fraud and not a religion at all. So Camping will continue to hide behind the Constitution, and never come out as a fraud, because he will CONSTANTLY say, "Wait! I misread it!" or "Wait! I forgot to carry the one!" See, that's how you continue to perpetrate fraud, people of Earth. Just keep people guessing.

Put it this way: If WE started preaching here in Ohio about how we'd spoken to an ambassador of Mars, and that he wanted to grab us all and take us off to his home-planet, and we needed your hard-earned money for the construction of spaceships to get the show on the road, they'd be knocking on our doors now with handcuffs.

But APPARENTLY, if we say we talked to GOD, we can get away with anything. Ask murderess Ms. Andrea Yates, who escaped a likely needle-injection into Hell by saying that God told her to kill her kids. Ask Charles Manson, who to this day still believes God and Jesus told him to kill. Think about the Reverend Jim Jones, who was able to single-handedly KILL over a thousand people in Guyana. Could you just imagine the trial if he'd lived? Oh yes, you can put it on the table. He'd walk with an insanity plea.

So, Mr. Camping lies and good people keep forking over their money to him, and it's quite alright with everyone, it seems.

Because God says so...

And you do NOT mess with God.

God, if you truly are listening to us, we have a message, an honest one, straight from our hearts. Thank you, God.

Thank you for giving us the gift of reason and logic. While we wish sometimes that you would share your gift with every last man, woman and child on Earth, we know that is an impossibility.

It is THEIR choice to accept it. =)

Peace to all >^^<

- Paula, Paul, Mystery, Grimalkin and Karma

We Always Win the "Best Picture" =)

2011-02-03T07:07:00.000-08:00

In the 16 years Paula and I have worked together, we've been 15 and 0 when picking Best Picture. We know usually going in which film is going to win, and why - and in most cases without seeing the movie. But, hey, we read the news; we both took a lot of film courses, and we've both been immersed in Hollywood enough to know that the Best Picture always hinges on three things: acting, story and atmosphere, which can be broken down into music and effects. That's it. That's all it takes to win a Best Picture Oscar, folks. From our first pick in the fall of 1994, until our last pick in early December of 2010, we have never lost the Best Picture. =) We'd call it personally a quite phenomenal achievement, worthy of our own Oscar.

So on behalf of the Academy, we'd like to thank everyone for this lovely Oscar. This stands as a testament that two slightly older people still know what works in a movie, and still know what's GOOD out there!

1995 - "BRAVEHEART" was a shoe-in. This was indeed a killer. We read about "Braveheart" coming out about a year prior, and when we heard it was amazing Mel Gibson at the helm as actor and director, something just told us it couldn't miss. Don't look at your perspective now of Mel; you have to go back about 16 or 17 years to see him when he ruled the world. "Braveheart" is a compelling story, based on true events of Sir William Wallace, with brilliant cinematography, a killer theme, great cast, and OUTSTANDING direction of a LOT of people. Whatever you think of him as a person now, it has absolutely nothing to do with the integrity of the film. It was the clear choice. =) Some may argue that Ron Howard's "Apollo 13" should have gotten the nod as the more "patriotic" entry, but come on - it's three guys in space sitting in a can waiting for their demise.

Woo.

1996 - "THE ENGLISH PATIENT" - Okay, this film deserved it with nine Oscars in total, but our hearts still to this day go out to Ethan and Joel Coen, who should have walked away with Best Picture and Director for "Fargo". The Academy people were always crazy for long films, and a three-hour, epic eye-slaughter of ambiguity and flashbacks seemed to fit the bill. Yes, Ralph Fiennes was stunning, and the story directed by the late Anthony Minghella is touching and heartfelt, about a nurse caring for a dying burn patient in a monastery - who actually turns out not to be as sweet and pathetic as we are led to believe. Juliette Binoche was dazzling as the nurse listening to probably the most incredible adventure a man could have, and nabbed the Best Supporting Actress for the performance.

To this day, our hearts still go out to the film that should have made a clean sweep. But when you win Best Director, like Minghella did that last year, we didn't like the odds. You are 75% likely to win the Best Picture if you win the Best Director, as the last 20 years of awards have shown. Still...we thought maybe "Fargo" would pull off an upset. It just didn't happen. "Fargo" is short and sweet, a masterful mix of cinematography, story and acting. It is about a Minnesota milquetoast, played with brilliance by William H. Macy, a car salesman down on his luck, plotting the kidnapping of his own wife (by dunder-headed kidnappers Steve Buscemi and Peter Stormare) for a hefty ransom from his cold and unfeeling father-in-law. This simple plan runs into difficulties from the start, cascading into one disaster after another, and as the bodies pile up the laughter just gets louder. The incomparable Frances McDormand won Best Actress as the pregnant police chief trying to follow the clues. It's probably the most brilliant black comedy of all time. We've heard people use hilarious quotes from the movie - and we wince when we hear a wood-chipper. Sorry guys, but your redemption is coming... =)

1997 - "TITANIC" - There's a joke that someone was sitting in the theatre seeing this movie with his wife, and started to get up from his seat as the ship hit an iceberg. The wife looked up and asked, "Why are you leaving now?!" to which he replied, "Honey, I KNOW how this ends. The boat sinks and everyone dies. Let's go." Those who managed to survive, you REALLY feel sorry for - except for Kathy Bates, who killed as the great unsinkable Molly Brown. =) The Boat Movie, as we will affectionately refer to it as, was GOOD. Don't get us wrong; not only did it win eleven awards, but we KNEW this was going to win the Best Picture simply because it cost so much MONEY! =) James Cameron HAD to get it back somehow. You don't just BUILD a complete Titanic (well, maybe 3/4 of the size anyway) and hire all those extras AND actors, and not have a built-in voting block. Seriously!

What happened to "L. A. Confidential"? OMFG! What was the Academy thinking? Curtis Hanson's stellar film, based on the novel by James Ellroy, was AMAZING. We're not all that fond of Russell Crowe, and HE managed to make us love him. Guy Pearce, whom no one had ever heard of (Unless you were in Oz), gave such an amazing performance. James Cromwell was totally black-hearted and evil, and Kevin Spacey put on the smarm throughout, not to mention Kim Bassinger, who can't act at all, stepped up to win the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress. The movie is a complete, wonderful story of police corruption and Hollywood hey-days of the 1950s, told and shot with such brilliance you're catching your breath in the riveting climax. "L. A. Confidential" should have won, and it's probably one of the Academy's greatest tragedies. "The Boat Movie" won for the special effects and nothing more. There was no acting, no compelling story, nothing but a big black mark in history where man's hubris became its horror.

Although Leo DiCaprio got to see Kate Winslet naked and draw her.

That was hot.

1998 - "SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE" - We have to admit, we thought Spielberg would run away with "Saving Private Ryan" at first, but more and more, we started reading some incredible reviews of John Madden's film, and when the votes really came in, we looked at each other a few weeks before Oscar night and said, "Nah, Spielberg's won too many times lately...they might let a dark horse take it..."

Sure enough, our money was on the dark-horse "Shakespeare in Love", a romantic comedy, (and the first to win an Oscar since 1977's "Annie Hall") about William Shakespeare trying to get over his writer's block and create the epic "Romeo and Juliet". What makes this film so intriguing, touching and funny as hell, is how the character (played beautifully by Joseph Fiennes) puts together his masterpiece by relying on life's experiences, successes and foibles to help him out. It's so well-done and ORIGINAL, it just had to take the prize. And when you get a record THIRTEEN nominations, you KNOW you've got a prayer. Kudos also to Gwyneth Paltrow's star-making Best Actress turn.

One note about 1998's best picture; we were very ashamed when "The Truman Show" barely got a nod from the Academy. Sure, it got three nominations for Director Peter Weir, Supporting Actor Ed Harris (who was so frigid and cold, you couldn't help but hate him), and Best Screenplay by Andrew Niccol, but it just didn't get the kick we expected. "The Truman Show", about a defeated, suburban man (played VERY convincingly by Jim Carrey) from birth forced to be the world's reality show, was as dark a horse as any to win the Best Picture that year; maybe the Academy just thought something so eerily realistic and frightening shouldn't be publicized too much.

Funny how a few years later, CBS brought out "Big Brother"

1999 - "AMERICAN BEAUTY" - You know the old saying, "Sure as the sun rises and sets"? In January of 2000, you could have said, "Sure as American Beauty wins Best Picture." This was so easy to predict; probably one of the few we could say we would have bet our lives on. This movie had it all; a fantastic script, a riveting, tight little story, some of the best acting you will ever see, candid, haunting cinematography - and it hit so damned close to home, you imagine audiences all over the country were shaking their heads afterwards. Sam Mendes' frank, funny and sometimes tragic look at a contemporary family swung for the fences when it came to illustrating society, humanity and the inner struggles we all face every day. It is as powerful of a historical epic film as you can get. Kevin Spacey and Annette Bening as the unfortunate Burnhams were the perfect movie-couple. This was also one of the only years in which we couldn't think of a BETTER film to win! =)

And before you go shouting "The Sixth Sense!" let us be clear about something. Haley Joel Osment made that film great. You don't win a Best Picture on one actor - especially not an 8-year-old boy. And if M. Night Shyamalan HAD won the Best Picture? We'd be entirely let down from that day forward. =)

We had to laugh a little at the snubbing of Paul Thomas Anderson's "Magnolia" though. It really wasn't a bad film at all, and Tom Cruise certainly deserved his nomination for Supporting Actor. It's possible it was left out because of the strange similarities between it and "American Beauty", about slice-of-lifers coming to terms with society and the human nature around them.

The funniest part of the night had to be Robin Williams singing the Oscar-nominated song "Blame Canada" from "South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut". While acid-tripping Trey Parker and Matt Stone looked on in pink and green dresses, the comedian/actor took great strides in hiding the word "fuck" throughout. No point it was one of the reasons this was the first Oscar show to get a PG-14 rating. =)

2000 - "GLADIATOR" - As the end of the world came and went, and we limped into 2001, we had to admit that 2000 was a VERY boring year. Maybe a bunch of film houses thought 1999 was indeed it, and shut down production, who knows? Anyway, three other films rose to the top, in our opinion: "Traffic", "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon", and "Erin Brockovitch". Amazingly enough, all three joined "Gladiator" on the Best Picture stage. Not surprisingly, they didn't have a chance in Hell of claiming the prize. "Gladiator" was just too good. It's one of the few movies we saw BEFORE Oscar night; we were that excited.

Two words describe Gladiator - visually stunning. The battle scenes alone are enough to keep your heart racing, and the historically accurate depictions of the Roman Empire are spellbinding. Russell Crowe as Maximus dominates the screen, but you're so busy watching the fighting to really care that he's nothing more than a sad family man. Joaquin Phoenix showed the world he could measure up to his long-dead brother River too. Director Ridley Scott, who last graced us with a powerhouse in "Thelma and Louise" in 1991, started the new millennium with a bang.

We thought "Erin Brockovitch" directed by Steven Soderbergh stood a chance for a while, especially given the stunning performances of then-Oscar-winner Julia Roberts and Nominee for supporting Albert Finney. But Gladiator was just too powerful to miss the mark. =)

2001 - "A BEAUTIFUL MIND" - Ron Howard missed the mark in 1995 with "Apollo 13", but after a few more misses, he was back in the driver's seat. This was another no-doubter for us. "A Beautiful Mind" is a stunning example of what can happen when Howard is allowed to do a psychological drama; he directs it to perfection. This film also marked the first time a lead actor had appeared in two Best Picture wins back to back. Russell Crowe won for "Gladiator" the year before, and was back up in 2002 for this one. But Jennifer Connelly pulled off one of the most memorable performances ever, and when she won, you knew it was all over but the counting of votes. =) This dark, sometimes terrifying journey into the mind of an anti-social mathematician was the toast of Hollywood, and it was nominated for eight awards, snagging four of them. =)

We can hear the Lord of the Rings fans still moaning. 13 Oscar nominations; everyone must have thought Peter Jackson's epic fantasy was a must-win. Sadly, the Academy had, and still honestly has, an affliction against fantasy films. Although the best-selling J.R.R. Tolkien series would eventually get the light shone upon it, most of America must have been thinking "WTF?!"

One more note: The 2001 Best Picture Nominations were probably the most widespread in genres ever. "A Beautiful Mind", "Moulin Rouge" (a Parisian musical), "Lord of the Rings" (epic fantasy), "Gosford Park", (a British murder mystery), and "In the Bedroom", an overlooked family drama about tragedy and consequences.

If you haven't seen "In the Bedroom" yet, give it a try. Tom Wilkerson, who should have won for Best Actor but fell to Denzel Washington for "Training Day", is phenomenal and Sissy Spacek, who ALSO should have won the Oscar for her role but lost to Halle Berry for "Monster's Ball", playing his wife, is heart-breaking and brittle in the face of the tragedy in losing their only son. It is a haunting tale of small-town life, ruined by a senseless murder - and the ultimate redemption that we find ourselves questioning long after the curtains are drawn.

2002 - "CHICAGO" - When we read about "Chicago" being planned as a movie, we both looked at each other and went "Alright!!" This movie actually started life as a Bob Fosse stage play at the 46th Street Theatre in New York City in 1975. The show ran for 936 performances and a revival started in 1996 which is still going on today. Thirteen Oscar nominations for Rob Marshall's masterpiece didn't really surprise us one bit. The slightly true-to-life story, based on the 1924 murder trials of Beulah Annan and Belva Gaertner, centers around dancers Roxie Hart and Velma Kelly (played by Renee Zellwegger and Catherine Zeta-Jones) in the 1920s. But it was Roxie's consistent psychological breakdowns into music and fantasy that set the stage.

What is so wonderful about this motion picture is that the music, the songs, the choreography, everything meshed so beautifully around a 1920s backdrop, telling a great story about the attempts of two murderous starlets trying to save their lives by staying in the face of the media. As brilliant as it is timeless, "Chicago" earned the award. We were so excited to see them win Best Picture.

Best Director, of course, went to Roman Polanski's masterful account of a WW2 piano player in "The Pianist", bu the dark horse for Best Picture that year was a toss-up: Would the Academy give epic-fantasy another try with "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers", or would Martin Scorcese's "Gangs of New York" claim the fame?

Nope. =)

"Chicago" also set one other record: It would become the eleventh and last best film nomination in a row for Weinstein and friends at Miramax; something no other production studio has done before or since. =)

2003 - "THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING" - Finally! The mother lode at last. We had to admit, we were on our seats over this one, but we honestly had nothing to worry about. Had the Academy turned Peter Jackson down a third time, every geek, nerd, spaz, sci-fi and fantasy nut would have driven personally to Hollywood and set it on fire. That was our thinking when the nominations came out in January of 2004. One thing we DIDN'T think would happen - that the movie would garner every single Oscar it was nominated for - all eleven of them, and the biggest clean sweep in Hollywood history. The last one was most deservedly the best; the movie picked up nearly $1.4 billion worldwide.

One of our favorite moments was when a crying Annie Lennox, once of the dazzling 80s band, the Eurythmics, took the stage with partners Fran Walsh and Howard Shore to accept the Best Song Award with "Into the West" - yes, another win for "The Lord". =)

This was another one of those "life-staking" choices. There was no way, no way in Hell, Peter Jackson was going home empty-handed. =)

2004 - "MILLION DOLLAR BABY" - This one nearly threw us off, and we were arguing back and forth for a few days. I kept saying, "It's Clint Eastwood's, he's got it..." and Paula was steering towards "The Aviator", and Martin Scorcese finally catching a break. In the end, we decided maybe it was Eastwood's year (given that he just missed with "Mystic River" the year before) - and wouldn't you know it, bazinga! (with fond thoughts of Sheldon on "The Big Bang Theory") Eastwood's incredible tear-jerker about a down-and-out boxer training a waitress for battle in the ring was as poignant as it was epic. It brought out the triumphs and tragedies of boxing, and no movie ever had taken us inside girl-fighting quite like this one. "Million Dollar Baby" took home four Oscars, including awards for Morgan Freeman for Supporting and Hillary Swank for Best Actress.

Sad to say, "The Aviator" just didn't score all its points with us. We liked the movie, but we didn't LOVE it. Our main grief? It was just too damned long, and the psychological aspects, the whole regression of Howard Hughes' persona and his descent into near-madness just took away too much from the fact the man was brilliant. Scorcese dwelt too much on what we already knew. =( Another choice, "Finding Neverland" had a shot too, but mainly for one reason: No, not Johnny Depp. We're talking about the adorable Freddie Highmore, whom in these writers' professional opinions, is the Hollywood find of the millennium. If his upbringing remains true and normal, he is indeed a high caliber actor with a lifetime of awards ahead of him. Enough said. =)

2005 - "CRASH" - There aren't too many times we're taken aback by the Academy's picks, but this one had us, well, shaking our heads a little bit. Before they announced Best Picture, Ang Lee had just won Best Director for "Brokeback Mountain", and the odds were looking pretty good he'd get the subsequent Best Picture and make it a clean sweep. But then it occurred to us; all "Brokeback Mountain" had received to that point was Best Score and Best Screenplay Adaptation. How can that muster a Best Picture? We feared an upset was about to occur, and we looked at the contenders once more: "Capote," "Good Night, and Good Luck," "Munich", and "Crash".

Did Philip Seymour Hoffman's Oscar for Best Actor have enough of a drive? "Good Night and Good Luck" hadn't fared too well that night either, and there was no way Spielberg's "Munich" was going to win. We looked at each other, eyes wide. "CRASH?!" It had already won Best Original Screenplay and Editing, and Matt Dillon WAS up for Best Supporting. Quick as a shot, we changed our vote just before the envelope was opened.

Director Paul Haggis' independent dark horse win shot the lights out at Kodak Theatre. No one could have seen this coming - but it deserves the nod. "Crash" is a taut, explosive drama about racial tensions in L.A., flaring from a car accident and then cascading downwards from there, interlocking the lives of several different kinds of people. We get several honest, deep-seeded viewpoints of what it's like to observe minorities in this country. You don't just WATCH "Crash"; you FEEL "Crash". =) Of course, it doesn't hurt that the marketing for "Crash" was incredible. Almost everyone involved in motion pictures reportedly received a pre-release DVD.

See? You too can win a Best Picture, if you get enough people in films watching it. =)

2006 - "THE DEPARTED" - Ahh, the sweet smell of vindication. Martin Scorcese for the win! Yes! Woo! We were pulling for him the whole night, and somehow we knew he had it in the bag and sewn up this time. His incredible movie is about a pair of Irishmen in Boston, an undercover cop (played perfectly by Leonardo DiCaprio), and a mob informant, (played with equal caliber by Matt Damon) trying to keep both of their covers. It is as gritty as it gets, and extremely violent, the way Scorcese likes it. Jack Nicholson is memorizing and truly haunting as crime boss Frank Costello, (playing the real-life James "Whitey" Bulger) who's at the end of his career, and watching the world and ultimate justice cave in around him. It is a pure masterpiece, one of Martin's best in a long, long time. After SIX Best Picture nominations, he did it. =) We were so happy for him.

This was also the year we noticed actor Jackie Earle Haley again for the first time in probably decades. Todd Field, who brought us the stunning and brilliant film "In The Bedroom", managed to give some new brilliance to a late-comer with his movie "Little Children". Jackie plays one of the most horrifying, disturbing people known to society; a crazed pedophile - and he does it with such realism and actions, we were pleased to see him at least get the nomination for Supporting Actor. He was STILL the best thing in "The Watchmen". =)

2007 - "NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN" - Awestruck. One man made this movie just absolutely sensational, and that was Javier Bardem. To our knowledge, there has not been a more frightening villain ever to grace the screen. Some may argue the late Heath Ledger as the Joker in "the Dark Knight" tops him, but Javier didn't have anything more than a bad haircut.(which was actually his idea!). Joel and Ethan Coen made a sweep of their own, winning Best Director(s) and Best Picture for this masterpiece about a rugged hunter (played with perfection by Josh Brolin) who stumbles upon a massacre in the deserted fields of 1980's West Texas.

For the rest of the movie, he is chased and tormented by evil hitman Anton Chigurh, (Bardem, who deservedly won Best Supporting) who has no qualms about...well, anything. He kills simply on the flip of a coin, and it is this fearsome, loathsome creature of destruction that you really focus on the most. Of note, his weapon of choice: a ridiculously-crafted, and yet highly effective air rifle, complete with a silencer. In the end, he is of course defeated, at least psychologically, due to the courage of one woman (played by Kelly McDonald), the hunter's wife. Tommy Lee Jones, as the aged sheriff just trying to make sense of all the violence and mayhem, keeps you shaking your head and enjoying a brief chuckle or two.

The Coens last graced the Oscar stage in 1997 with "Fargo", but failed to take the big prize that year, so this was a good win for them. It certainly solidified them again as the directors who KNOW characters. Their films haunt us and amaze us because of the characters being portrayed, and they have a way of bringing out the best, and the worst, in every one of them. We have deeply respected the Coens ever since "Blood Simple" in 1984, and they never cease to impress us.

One snub we thought should have been un-snubbed: "SWEENY TODD: THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET". Without question, we thought this would at least get a Best Picture nod at least, but the Academy apparently turned their heads away from the violence and gore set to music in 19th Century London. Tim Burton's masterpiece, based on the Broadway hit musical, starred Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, and Alan Rickman. It SHOULD have received more consideration. The songs were very well done, the story is actually quite engrossing, and there are scenes that will stick with you forever. The way Tim made the film, in a bleak, dark and drab shading, (not unlike his work on "Sleepy Hollow", another classic) REALLY captures the grim, dank and depraved essence of London in the late 1800s.

2008 - "SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE" - We called this night the Year of Bollywood. But you know what? It was in the bag. There wasn't a critic in the world that wasn't talking about this gem by Director Danny Boyle, who had stunned us in the past with such films as "Trainspotting", "28 Days Later", and the black comedy "Shallow Grave". This movie centers around a young man (Dev Patel) forced to explain his amazing win in India's version of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" to suspicious officials accusing him of cheating. Through flashbacks from childhood to his adult life, we watch how this man was indeed able to use his memories, and trigger answers to the questions. As you can imagine, this man's life had not been very easy, which makes his winning so much more triumphant. We both agreed this was one of our shoe-ins, and we think the whole world knew it too. =)

We also had to bow our heads a little as Heath Ledger's family came up to accept his posthumous honor for Best Supporting Actor as the cruel, hypnotic Joker in Christopher Nolan's "The Dark Knight". It was a very sad moment, and again one we knew was coming. There was no way Ledger was losing; he was just too damned good. Hollywood lost a legend in the making, no doubt about it. =(

2009 - "THE HURT LOCKER" - When one of the producers for this movie apparently contacted the Academy and begged them not to vote for a "$500 million film", it must have set off quite a few flares. This sleeper at the box-office (only about $40 million in U.S. domestic) about an Army Explosive Ordnance Disposal (EOD) team in the middle of the punishing Iraq War sent shock waves around the world. Directed by Kathryn Bigelow (ex-wife of kingpin James Cameron) "The Hurt Locker" brought the true grit, horror and destruction of the war, psychologically and visually. The screenplay by Mark Boal, who was an actual journalist following a bomb squad in Iraq, won Best Screenplay.

The whole night we were praying it wouldn't be "AVATAR". As visually stunning as the movie was, come on! The story is about as original as toast! I joked once to Paula this was nothing more than a souped-up "FERNGULLY". Well, it was! It didn't have the caliber to make it as a Best Picture. But still, there was heavy competition. This marked the first year TEN movies would be considered for the grand prize. Besides "Ferngully: Revamped" and "The Hurt Locker", there was "The Blind Side," "District 9," "An Education," "Inglourious Basterds," "Precious," "A Serious Man," "Up," and "Up in the Air". So for "The Hurt Locker" to beat them all, and rather soundly, was quite a feat. We were extremely happy for Kathryn, not just because she beat the ex, but because she became the first female director to win the Best Director title. Sofia Coppola made it to the brink with "Lost in Translation" in 2003.

And that's it.
15 movies.
15 great years of memories.
2010's winners are around the corner, and we just know you're waiting for our picks, right? How can we lose? =)

We'll talk about that more in our next blog...

Peace to our readers, and keep watching movies! =)

Paul and Paula
(and the cats, who don't watch movies much. They prefer "The First 48" and "Crime 360". Silly things. >^^<)

A Good Twitter Textpad Trick...

2011-01-21T09:34:00.000-08:00

I was tweeting this on Twitter, and thought it might be better to just show everyone all at once, so here goes. It's a really handy way to organize your whole follow list in a few hours, and have it ready for tweeting thanks to for FollowFridays, WriterWednesdays or etc. =)

First, you need Textpad. You can download a free version from the website, but consider a donation to keep this software going. You CAN evaluate it as long as you want to, but if it's worthwhile to you, it's only $27.00 I think. And it blows Notepad and Wordpad out of the water anyway. =)

Okay, so once you have Textpad, first consult your Twitter following list, the people following you right now. Notice, you'll have to probably scroll down for a while, but eventually Twitter will list them all. Now, go to your LAST name on the bottom, and start selecting that by highlighting the text. STOP and go up to your "Edit" menu in your browser, and choose "SELECT ALL". Now ALL that text will be selected - all of your followers. =)

Now open Textpad and select "paste" from the "Edit" menu to paste all of that text into the file. You'll notice it's quite a mess, right? We'll fix that now.

Go to "Search" and choose "Replace..." Have the search locate all instances of "Follow " (space included), match case, and replace with one blank space, then do the same for "Unfollow " (space included). Now each of your followers are separated with a blank line.

Now comes the hard part. You want each of these to be on a separate line. This will take a hell of a lot of time if you have a big list, but you can spot the usernames easier this way. Once every username is on a line by itself, it's time to add those pesky "@" symbols. Thank God for macros...

Go to the TOP of your list, place the cursor in front of the first name, then go up and select "macro" and "record". Your cursor becomes a tape icon. (cute, huh?) Now do this EXACTLY:

Type a "@" symbol, arrow back so that the cursor is back at the front and go DOWN one line. Go back to "macro" and select "stop recording". You'll be prompted to save the macro. Just call it something, like tweeps, for example, and then mark the option "repeat to end of file".

Okay, now you have a saved macro. Go to the FRONT of the SECOND line (You should still be there actually) and select "Macro" and choose your saved macro from the list - and viola! Your username list has the @ symbols all present and accounted for, saving a LOT of typing. =) You can even sort the list alphabetically using "tools" and "sort" as well.

If you like this idea, please share with others. It's not the quickest way to maintain a following list, but it's certainly the best way to do it for free - and a little work on your part. =)

Hey, if it was all easy, we'd all die of boredom, right? =)

The Cats Play some Dungeons and Dragons

2011-01-16T09:23:00.000-08:00

Reading about Dungeons and Dragons misadventures from others. I miss that game so much sometimes. We both do. We had a stint for a few months, but we just stayed in a sewer killing rats, and that was no fun. Watching my cats all sitting together on the carpet in the other room, I can almost picture them giving D&D a try. Let's watch... =)

**************

Mystery, Grimalkin and Karma sit around a large board, filled with wooden pieces, model trees and several dice.
"Okay," Mystery says, reading from a small pamphlet next to her, her black tail swaying to and fro. "You've reached a large farmyard, with many sheep-"
"Sheep!" Grimalkin's ears perk up, "Are...are they evil?"
Karma clubs him on the ear with her paw. "Why do you ask if everything is evil?!"
"Hey, when you're leading this party, you have to take some responsibility!"
"Grim, we're a party of two. You're Bearmeat, I'm Petunia Prissy the Sixty-Ninth. Myst is the DM, that's it, okay? There is no party. This is barely a social gathering."
"Fine, Miss 'Gee, maybe we should eat the hanging fruit from the black tree in the forest.'"
"Says the bozo who decided he could take on a red boar at Level 2!"
"Shush, both of you!" Myst hisses suddenly at them. "Now, look Grim, the sheep aren't dangerous, they're just sheep...attacking them might not be wise..."
"I'll roll for surprise attack with my arrow!" He suddenly swats at the dice. "Woo! 18!"
Myst stares at him blankly, and reads from the pamphlet, sighing. "There is now a large arrow sticking out of one of the sheep. It bleats briefly and collapses to the ground."
"Yessss! How many more sheep are there?"
"I don't know, about thirty or so..."
"Will you stop it?!" Karma cries out, "You don't have to kill them!"
"How do you KNOW? Huh? We are in a whole other world here! A world of dark and dangerous creatures around every corner, epic and fascinating journeys to accomplish harrowing tasks, and garner more wealth than we could ever dream of having! We can't take any chances, and I'm the leader here, so we should do what I say..."
The two girls exchange glances. "Fine," Myst sighs again, and bats a ten-sided dice. "DM rolls a nine. The sheep staggers to its feet again, growling, and rips the arrow from its side with its maw, suddenly charging you both, sharp teeth bared!"
"WHAT?!" Karma smacks Grimalkin again. "Happy now?! It's a zombie sheep!"
"Kill it, kill it!"
Karma bats at the dice. "Two..."
Myst grins, "You take a stab at the sheep and miss entirely, cutting your own foot. You lose about 10% of your mobility and one attack round. The sheep," she bats at her own dice, "slices through you both in rage, biting you for 10 HP each."
"We have to run now!" Grimalkin yells, and bats at his dice set. "Oh crap...4."
Myst giggles behind a paw. "You try to escape, and trip on a blade of grass. The sheep...rolls a, wow, 17. Another 17 HP lost on you both. And the sheep gets another attack against immobile Petunia..."
"Grim, you are so dead when this is over..."
"The sheep tears through Petunia for another 12 hit points of damage..."
"Save me, you moron!"
"I'm trying, I'm trying!" He angrily swats at his dice. "Damn! 2!"
Myst starts laughing uncontrollably. "The angry sheep is suddenly not alone. All thirty of the beasts realize one of their own are being attacked and have come to join the fray...you both have one chance to roll for a full escape or you're sheep-chow..."
Grimalkin blinks, "Are they all evil?!"
"I'm going to kill you!" Karma swats her dice. "NO! 0!" She flumps to the ground on her belly and sulks pitifully.
"Um...3?"
Myst grins. "You are done for. The sheep enjoy their impromptu meal. It is some time later in the evening when the sheep have their regular bowel movements, and your shredded remains lie stinking in the open fields. A fitting end to your journey after so much crap you had to endure from each other..."
Karma sighs, "Good call on the sheep, big brother...thanks..."
"Want to play again?"
"Only if I'M leading..."
Paul wanders in just then, hunkering down with the cats. "So what's going on here?"
"We're killing sheep..." Karma snorted derisively.
"Oh yeah, gotta watch those sheep. They're evil, you know..."
"I TOLD you, Karma."
"Shut up and roll for initiative...where are we going anyway?"
Myst hmms and looks at Paul. "Should they go to the farm again?"
Paul shakes his head. "Not if they can't get past the sheep..."
"Wait a minute," Karma looks up curiously. "You've played this already?"
"This particular module, yeah. If you go to the farm, sneak past the sheep, get to the barn, grab the +3 knife inside the chest and run like hell...why?"
"Well, it's moot," Myst grins and turned a few pages. "How about the swamp? You are in a dank, dark swamp, with no idea how you got here. Around you, all you can see is a heavy mist, a few shadows of trees, and you can hear the faint croaking of bullfrogs..."
"Are they evil bullfrogs?"
"I'm going to slug you..."

Catastrophe in Arizona has consequences for us all

2011-01-08T16:11:00.000-08:00

The tragic events in Arizona today should be a wake up call to all those who spew hate filled rhetoric. The tea party and their queen need to reassess their priorities and realize that their actions and their support of threats and violence - from cross hairs on websites and subliminal hate mongering - have real consequences. Their actions are not American and reminiscent of third world banana republics. These are the people who wear the flag lapel pins and pretend to believe in the principles of our nation, but are actually and secretly anxious for someone to overthrow the constitution that they've never read and create a fascist state.

There is much power in symbols. So when someone puts a cross hair on a website it shows a certain callous disregard for life. Just as burning a flag desecrates someones belief, standing around with guns and shooting off 20 rounds and killing people desecrates our belief in the sanctity of life.

Words are vital to the well being of this country. "We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal and are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, that among these are LIFE, LIBERTY AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS." These are the principles upon which we thrive and anyone who doesn't adhere to their meaning is unaware of the true purpose of this great nation.

There are other words that have equal meaning "We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare and secure the blessings of Liberty to ourselves and Our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America."

Last Thursday, an expurgated reading of the constitution of this nation was read in the halls of Congress by duly elected representatives. It is a living breathing document and has for over 200 years provided us with the guidelines for our nation. Today, in Arizona, a man whose limited understanding of what this country is, shot a duly elected representative of this nation. This is not what AMERICANs do. They don't like someone, they elect someone else. They argue, they debate, and occasionally they call each other names, but in the long run, and when it comes down to it, they stand together.

Only today, the actions in Arizona showed how deep the hatred that the tea party has for this nation runs. It is frightening and it should be a wake up call to all Americans - true Americans - to remind them that the price of liberty is to be ever vigilant or our domestic tranquility will shatter like glass in a strong wind.

Our country was founded on debate, on compromise and civil discourse. Those who carry out their beliefs with gun in hand denigrate what it means to be an American. My advice to all of you secretly cheering the venal and heinous actions in Arizona today as a show of your influence should look to your souls. They are in danger.

Paula

A talk with Freelance Home Writers...

2011-01-06T14:19:00.000-08:00

So we were reading about this company, Freelance Home Writers (I know, what a delicious company name, right? Every word is a key word that points you from "work at home" to "freelance" to "writing" in one feel swoop. Genius.) and asked them a couple of questions.

See, we've been freelance writers both for a VERY long time, since BEFORE the internet became such a world. We watched freelance writing farms by the THOUSANDS teem with projects and opportunities, grabbing juicy commissions, and hurting millions of writers worldwide by not paying them as much as they should. It is these kind of farms that are hurting the entire freelance industry on a whole.

So, when we caught wind of this Freelance Home Writers company, we checked them out. You'll pay about $50 a month to look over their contingent of jobs, and they respectfully call the job-holders they advertise as "employers". I thought...well, that doesn't seem right, so I helpfully contacted customer support, happy to get a chat line:
-----------------------
Thanks for contacting us. Please hold a moment while we route your chat to a specialist who will help you with your question: 'We're interested, but have no idea how this works....'
laura has received your message and will be right with you.
Please wait, connecting to server...
Connected!
laura says:    04:27:56 PM
Hello, my name is Laura. Give me a moment while I access your account.
Paul says:    04:28:08 PM
I don't have an account.
laura says:    04:28:31 PM

One moment please Paul
Paul says:    04:32:54 PM
?
laura says:    04:33:41 PM
sorry Paul, its very busy today. Our site lists over 300 opportunities per day to do freelance writing jobs on your own time on your own computer, at home
laura says:    04:33:55 PM
Sorry over 3000 not 300
Paul says:    04:34:33 PM
We're both freelance writers so we know the drill. What our concern is...how are you finding these opportunities? Is this through a broker, a farm, etc?
Paul says:    04:35:07 PM
So we're paying you a fee, plus a monthly charge...not to actually get jobs, but to get wind of jobs, correct?
laura says:    04:35:18 PM
I have no idea Paul.
Paul says:    04:35:44 PM
Look, Laura, let's start the new year right. Be honest with us, okay?
laura says:    04:35:58 PM
I am Paul
Paul says:    04:36:06 PM
So the idea is, we're paying a fee...to view jobs available. We're not given jobs. Right?
laura says:    04:36:46 PM
Correct
Paul says:    04:37:18 PM
I don't understand. Why are we paying a monthly recurring charge if we still have to apply and fight over projects?
laura says:    04:38:40 PM
so you do not have to take YOUR time look for them. They are all in one place so you can use your time to apply and work
laura says:    04:39:02 PM
and make $
Paul says:    04:39:06 PM
Ma'am, we're freelance writers. Most of us have the extra time to look. =)
Paul says:    04:39:39 PM
I'd venture about 95% of the people signing up have the extra time. They don't want to sit in a queue and wait to be called.
Paul says:    04:39:59 PM
What can you offer that others can't?
laura says:    04:40:00 PM
That is why we offer the 7 day trial .. so you can see if this is right for you or not.
Paul says:    04:40:26 PM
Why not just arrange to pay you people a commission fee for jobs you match us up with?
laura says:    04:41:07 PM
We are not the employers, we only list the jobs daily for you
Paul says:    04:41:40 PM
I know that, but as the listers, isn't the site responsible to the employer at that point?
laura says:    04:42:19 PM
not that I am aware of. I do not know how they obtain the projects, therefore can not honestly answer that question
Paul says:    04:43:26 PM
See, this is my concern, and please let me explain. We have been freelance writers for about 15 years, okay? And we KNOW what goes on. Most of the freelance writing jobs now listed, do not come from employers, but from OTHER farms, such as Elance, and others, ok?
Paul says:    04:43:37 PM
So...we'd never see full payment for our work. =(
laura says:    04:43:56 PM
So how may I help you here Paul?
Paul says:    04:45:02 PM
You can help me by telling us why your company isn't checking out and screening their employers. If we're going to pay for your services, isn't it in your best interest to make sure the projects listed our legit, and not "farmed out"?
Paul says:    04:45:12 PM
our=are, sorry.
laura says:    04:45:13 PM
We offer the 7 day trial for you to see how the jobs are set up and offered. It would be my suggestion for you tosee if this a good fit for you
Paul says:    04:46:30 PM
But what about the projects and the employers represented?
laura says:    04:46:37 PM
I am here to help you with your account. I have no idea if managment is or is not screening the employers Paul
Paul says:    04:46:39 PM
How are we to know these have been screened?
Paul says:    04:46:52 PM
Well, shouldn't someone know for sure?! =(
Paul says:    04:47:27 PM
You understand my concern, right, Laura? I hope?
Paul says:    04:47:56 PM
I'm paying a monthly fee - and it's possible the job I want...isn't an actual employer?
laura says:    04:48:10 PM
again Paul, I would suggest trying the 7 day trial to see if this is what you desire or not. I do not know what type of screening is done.
Paul says:    04:48:27 PM
Is there someone in management I can speak to by phone?
laura says:    04:48:47 PM
I would suggest reading the terms and conditions then as that is your agreement if you become a member
Paul says:    04:48:56 PM
Because, if you're charging people nearly 600 a year...I think they should know why. =(
laura says:    04:49:05 PM
you can call 800-750-7660
Paul says:    04:49:16 PM
May I ask again, is there someone in management I can speak to by phone please?
laura says:    04:49:20 PM
you will need to speak to a manager
Paul says:    04:49:23 PM
and whom do I ask for?
laura says:    04:49:34 PM
a manager Paul
Paul says:    04:49:45 PM
I would like a name please.
laura says:    04:49:50 PM
Sorry I was unable to answer you more
Paul says:    04:50:09 PM
Surely you know whom your manager is, right?
laura says:    04:50:39 PM
unfortunately I do not have that for you Paul. I do not know who would be the appropriate reference for your questions
laura says:    04:50:57 PM
Again, I am sorry I am unable to help you more.
Paul says:    04:51:01 PM
I don't understand. Don't you have a supervisor?
laura says:    04:51:22 PM
Again, I am sorry I am unable to help you more.
Paul says:    04:51:36 PM
Laura, please be reasonable with me.
Paul says:    04:51:42 PM
I'm asking a very simple request.
Paul says:    04:51:53 PM
I'm also logging this entire conversation.
laura says:    04:52:15 PM
I have answered your questions to the best of my ability. I am sorry I can not help you more Paul
Paul says:    04:52:26 PM
Please tell me whom I speak to in management.
laura says:    04:52:41 PM
May I suggest you call the number I gave you and request a manager as I suggested before.
Paul says:    04:53:00 PM
No, I'm not going to call without a name. it's not courteous.
laura says:    04:53:06 PM
Again, unfortunately I do not have that for you Paul. I do not know who would be the appropriate reference for your questions
Paul says:    04:53:18 PM
The proper way is to address by name in the U.S.
laura says:    04:54:14 PM
I will be terminating this conversation as I have answered your questions to the best of my ability and you keep asking the same questions I am unable to answer. I am sorry Paul, you will need to call and ask for a manager please.
laura says:    04:54:36 PM
Good day
Paul says:    04:54:41 PM
So...when I write my review for Freelance Home Writers, I should write that Freelance Home Writers has zero control over who lists projects?
laura left this room.
Paul says:    04:54:51 PM
I wouldn't suggest you hang up just yet.

So Laura hung up and closed the chat at this point. Needless to say, I was not happy with what I was learning. People pay this company about 600 a year - and they have no idea if the jobs placed are even legit?! What's to stop these people from simply "creating" leads by themselves? Say, a Texas company needs someone to write video games. 100 people on Freelance Home Writers could apply for it - but who knows who got it? They could easily just create a fictional listing, a fictional gmail account to send to, and viola - you apply, get a happy "Thanks for applying" email back - and then nothing else.

I thought, "Well, perhaps I should call them." but then I thought, if Laura won't tell me, maybe someone else will. I placed my same contact information, and tried another chat. This time, I seemed to get a "manager". Not that I believe that. =)

----------------------------------

Thanks for contacting us. Please hold a moment while we route your chat to a specialist who will help you with your question: 'I was hung up on without getting an answer to a qu...'
brittney has received your message and will be right with you.
Please wait, connecting to server...
Connected!
brittney says:    04:56:56 PM
Hi my name is Brittney, I am the Manager
Paul says:    04:57:18 PM
Wonderful. Could you please address my earlier concerns?
brittney says:    04:57:39 PM
We affiliate with Other companies
Paul says:    04:58:05 PM
But they're not the direct employers, are they?
brittney says:    04:58:18 PM

Yes they are
Paul says:    04:58:33 PM
No, they're not. If you pull someone out of Elance, no.
Paul says:    04:58:42 PM
or whatever other farm is out there.
Paul says:    04:59:00 PM
Trust me, I'm a freelance writer of about 15 years. I know how the system works.
Paul says:    04:59:28 PM
So, if people are paying a monthly fee, to work for employers... this is wrong then.
brittney says:    04:59:32 PM
So what would you like me to tell you
Paul says:    04:59:38 PM
you should not call them employers. =(
Paul says:    04:59:57 PM
I want you to change the scope of your business, because you're lying to people paying you money. =(
Paul says:    05:00:32 PM
I believe "employers" should not be listed anywhere on your site, because that is inaccurate.
brittney says:    05:00:50 PM
Well i will send the information to the correct people
Paul says:    05:01:13 PM
I really would appreciate that. If they have more to explain, they are free to email us.
brittney says:    05:01:28 PM
Okay no problem
Paul says:    05:01:29 PM
But I believe this is wrong.
Paul says:    05:01:35 PM
That's just my opinion.
Paul says:    05:01:49 PM
And I think you need a new screening process. =(
Paul says:    05:02:01 PM
If we're going to work with employers, they should be direct.
Paul says:    05:02:06 PM
Not commissioned brokers. =(
brittney says:    05:02:24 PM
Okay well is there anything else that i can assist you with today?
Paul says:    05:02:34 PM
Although...well, let's be honest. The chances of you finding any direct writing jobs are a million to one.
Paul says:    05:02:40 PM
Right?
Paul says:    05:03:00 PM
No, I'm done. Thank you.

I didn't stay for the fireworks after that. She knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about.

Lesson learned, dear readers and freelancers out there. The odds of you getting a DIRECT job and an employer are slim to none. =( It is IMPORTANT that you contact businesses DIRECTLY to get the jobs you're looking for. Don't count on some farm to do it for you.

And as far as Freelance Home Writers goes? Well, let's just say, I hope I've opened a few eyes on that front too. =)

Peace!

Paul
(with cats looking over shoulder) >^^<

The Writers and Cats Start Making Their Lists...

2010-12-30T11:57:00.000-08:00

Okay, so we were checking out "Twitter for Dummies", which is really an amazing book BTW, and it seems to talk a little bit about lists, and how to make them, and add members of your Twitter family to the list. Nina was nice enough to help us understand a bit of what they do, but we feel a little weird putting people on lists when we really don't know a lot about you all yet. =)

Soooo...we'd like to hear from YOU. Tell us what kind of list (keep in mind, we can only do 20 lists in total) you would like to see yourself listed on, by leaving a comment for us. We'll gather up all the comments we get, and then from that point, divide everyone up into really awesome sounding lists. =)

From all of us here at the homefront - Myself (Paul), Paula, Grimalkin, Mystery and Karma - we wish everyone out there a very wonderful new year. We have a feeling it's going to be our best year yet!

Bring it on, 2011! =)

The Writers Reminisce about the State of the Union 2008...

2010-12-26T09:27:00.000-08:00

We ran across an old file in our drives from 2008, about a certain "Dubya" State of the Union speech we decided to listen in on, and then rip on for the hell of it. With a pause/un-pause feature in hand, we listened, and started writing the jokes. We KNOW Bush is long gone from the White House, but we hope this playful rip of his speech reminds us just how STUPID we once were - and how STUPID he still is. =)
----------------------------

Madam Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow citizens:

Paul: Let's have a drink!
Paula: Wow, he put the speaker first. Dicky's not gonna like that.
Paul: Does he seem pale to you?
Paula: You mean, more than usual?
Paul: Nine-Eleven!
Paula: Oh hush.

Seven years have passed since I first stood before you at this rostrum.

Paul: I know this because I checked the calendar.
Paula: Seven years of toils and tribulations...
Paul: Zero score and seven years ago, my father said, "Son, don't be an asshole and run for president..."
In that time, our country has been tested in ways none of us could have imagined.

Paul: I dunno, I can imagine quite a bit.
Paula: Tested by my consistent inabilities, my deceitful ways, my childish platitudes...
Paul: Nine-eleven!
Paula: Shhhhh!

We faced hard decisions about peace and war,

Paul: What decision? To invade a country without precedence or provocation? THAT decision?
Paula: Don't forget, he's the Decider.
Paul: *high pitched* I'm the baby, gotta love me!

rising competition in the world economy,
Paul: And why the Chinese are eating us alive.
and the health and welfare of our citizens.
Paul: Yes, by blocking stem cell research we have helped numerous sick, hurt people DIE.

These issues call for vigorous debate, and I think it's fair to say we've answered the call.

Paul: We said it was a wrong number and hung up.
Paula: We didn't say anything but we could hear the heavy breathing.
Yet history will record that amid our differences, we acted with purpose. And together, we showed the world the power and resilience of American self-government.
Paula: Power, resilience, complete ineptitude, unbridled arrogance...
All of us were sent to Washington to carry out the people's business. That is the purpose of this body. It is the meaning of our oath. It remains our charge to keep.

Paul: Yeah, suuuuure.
Paula: I think I'm going to be sick. Shut it off.
Paul: Can't... tie... too distracting...
Paula: It's not even red this time.
Paul: But look at the swirling colors...
Paula: Ooooh, it's strangely hypnotic...
Paul: Yes... it's like a lava lamp...

The actions of the 110th Congress will affect the security and prosperity of our nation long after this session has ended.

Paul: Oh here we go, gonna blame the Democrats already!

In this election year, let us show our fellow Americans that we recognize our responsibilities and are determined to meet them. Let us show them that Republicans and Democrats can compete for votes and cooperate for results at the same time. (Applause.)
Paula: Yeah, look at their faces. They're sick to be in the same room together.
Paul: Why don't the GOP people stay in the room and the Dems leave, and then come back later for the rebuttal? You'd think that would send a clear message to the nation that folks are sick of hearing from this twit.
Paula: Can't. Election year.
Paul: What, again?! It's ALWAYS an election year!

From expanding opportunity to protecting our country, we've made good progress.

Paul: Not a single plane has hit a building.
Paula: Well, except for that Yankee pitcher.
Paul: Oh yeah, forgot about him. Hey, wasn't Bush ready to do something about that?
Paula: Yeah, I heard he was all set to attack Wrigley Field but they cancelled the alert.
Paul: Oh, well that's a relief.

Yet we have unfinished business before us, and the American people expect us to get it done.
Paul: *rolling on the floor laughing* No we don't!
Paula: Unfinished business. You're so right, Dubya.
Paul: Yep, war crimes tribunal is a-comin'.

In the work ahead, we must be guided by the philosophy that made our nation great.
Paula: Great idea. So religion is once again a private, personal affair and will not be a part of politics.

As Americans, we believe in the power of individuals to determine their destiny and shape the course of history.
Paul: Translation: Vote for McCain -- he's better than a woman or a black man!

We believe that the most reliable guide for our country is the collective wisdom of ordinary citizens.

Paul: But since I never care what they think, that statement is probably moot.
Paula: So, wait, we should ALL be president! I like that idea! Every single citizen votes on every single issue, mandate or law talked about in this country. Majority wins. You can't lose. :-)
And so in all we do, we must trust in the ability of free peoples to make wise decisions, and empower them to improve their lives for their futures.

Paul: Free peoples?
Paula: Don't. He's on a roll.
Paul: You know, I don't see much improvement in my life with assholes like him running the country.
To build a prosperous future, we must trust people with their own money and empower them to grow our economy.
Paul: So all you rich people, dig deep, man!
Paula: Save my last year of this shameful presidency, I beg you!
Paul: I got nuttin' left! Waaaaaaaah!
As we meet tonight, our economy is undergoing a period of uncertainty.

Paul: I suppose spending $800 billion in Iraq was a bit of a mistake.
Paula: Oh right, like he's going to say that!

America has added jobs for a record 52 straight months, but jobs are now growing at a slower pace. Wages are up, but so are prices for food and gas. Exports are rising, but the housing market has declined. At kitchen tables across our country, there is a concern about our economic future.
Paul: Which is why I'm so glad this is my last year!
Paula: I can go back to my rich family and live on the ranch, yee-hah!
Paul: At kitchen tables? He must be hungry.
Paula: They practically starved him. Look how thin and gaunt he is.

In the long run, Americans can be confident about our economic growth.

Paul: Which will happen long after I'm out of office, woohoo!

But in the short run, we can all see that that growth is slowing. So last week, my administration reached agreement with Speaker Pelosi and Republican Leader Boehner on a robust growth package that includes tax relief for individuals and families and incentives for business investment.

Paula: $600 bucks we get.
Paul: Each?
Paula: I think so. If we were married, we'd get $1200.
Paul: Each?
Paula: Um, no.
Paul: Wait, don't we get $1200 ANYWAY?
Paula: It's the government, Paul. Don't question their math skills.
Paul: Sorry. :-P
The temptation will be to load up the bill. That would delay it or derail it, and neither option is acceptable. (Applause)

Paul: Just make sure ya give me a raise though, or I'll attack Iran!

This is a good agreement that will keep our economy growing and our people working. And this Congress must pass it as soon as possible. (Applause.)

Paul: Look at the fire in those Dem eyes!
Paula: Yeah, they'll pass it but there's going to be some kind of argument. There has to be. This is America.

We have other work to do on taxes. Unless Congress acts, most of the tax relief we've delivered over the past seven years will be taken away. Some in Washington argue that letting tax relief expire is not a tax increase. Try explaining that to 116 million American taxpayers who would see their taxes rise by an average of $1,800.
Paul: Better yet, dick-weed, explain to America why the national median income has dropped $1,400!
Paula: Explain why we were dead wrong to invade Iraq!
Paul: The national unemployment rose to 5%!
Paula: No payrolls were added for the first time in five years!
Paul: Housing construction at an all-time low!
Paula: Mortgage companies collapsing!
Paul: Dogs and cats sleeping together -- mass hysteria!

Others have said they would personally be happy to pay higher taxes. I welcome their enthusiasm. I'm pleased to report that the IRS accepts both checks and money orders. (Laughter and applause.)
Paula: As we laugh, five more soldiers died today in Iraq but anyway...
Paul: I think this last year, Bush should go without a paycheck.
Paula: We overpay these morons don't we?
Paul: What the hell do we have to pay him for? Shacked up in a mansion, 24-hour room service, free first-class air service, chauffeurs, bodyguards, maids, GARDENERS. I'd live like that quite nicely with no money!

Most Americans think their taxes are high enough.

Paul: And yet another shot at the Dems.

With all the other pressures on their finances, American families should not have to worry about their federal government taking a bigger bite out of their paychecks.
Paul: They will have to worry, however, about being shattered when one of their family members dies in an unjust war.
There's only one way to eliminate this uncertainty: Make the tax relief permanent. (Applause.) And members of Congress should know: If any bill raises taxes reaches my desk, I will veto it. (Applause.)

Paul: If stem cell passes, I will veto it!
Paula: If gay marriage passes, I will veto it!
Paul: If Laura wants a divorce, I will veto it!
Paula: If Congress and Senate decide to pull out troops, I will veto it!
Paul: If the War Crimes Tribunal finds me guilty, I will veto it!
Paula: If Daddy says I can't have ice cream on the ranch, I will veto it!

Just as we trust Americans with their own money, we need to earn their trust by spending their tax dollars wisely.
Paul: Much more wisely than the $800 billion spent on Iraq?

Next week, I'll send you a budget that terminates or substantially reduces 151 wasteful or bloated programs, totaling more than $18 billion.
Paula: Among those are research for diseases, health-care costs, and educational programs.
Paul: I won't rest until every one of you old, helpless people lies dead!
Paula: You've lived a full life. Get out!
The budget that I will submit will keep America on track for a surplus in 2012. American families have to balance their budgets; so should their government. (Applause.)
Paul: So that was, let's see, $800 billion for Iraq, $500 million for Katrina, $100 million for the tsunami victims. Oh and ZERO dollars for the No Child Left Behind program! We're good!
The people's trust in their government is undermined by congressional earmarks -- special interest projects that are often snuck in at the last minute, without discussion or debate.
Paul: You mean like that Arctic Oil Drilling Program, right amigo!?
Paula: Whoever wrote this speech made him folksy. And Bush is NOT folksy. He was and still is a rich kid.

Last year, I asked you to voluntarily cut the number and cost of earmarks in half.

Paul: Amazing. He sees programs that benefit all of mankind as 'earmarks'.
Paula: You know he has no clue what an 'earmark' is.
I also asked you to stop slipping earmarks into committee reports that never even come to a vote. Unfortunately, neither goal was met. So this time, if you send me an appropriations bill that does not cut the number and cost of earmarks in half, I'll send it back to you with my veto. (Applause.)

Paul: Waaaaah!!
Paula: Such a damned whiner he is!
Paul: Oh hush Paula or I'll veto you, I swear it!
Paula: Shhhhh! Here's a valium.

And tomorrow, I will issue an executive order that directs federal agencies to ignore any future earmark that is not voted on by Congress. If these items are truly worth funding, Congress should debate them in the open and hold a public vote. (Applause.)
Paul: Uh, haven't they been doing that the last 270 years?
Paula: Tommorow I'm ordering Congress to do what it's been doing the last 270 years!
Paul: Good show, Paula! Hooray! Paula for President!
Our shared responsibilities extend beyond matters of taxes and spending. On housing, we must trust Americans with the responsibility of homeownership and empower them to weather turbulent times in the housing market.
Paul: So basically we're on our own, Jackson.
Paula: I hear ya, McGee.
Paul: Not my fault, neener neener neener.
My administration brought together the HOPE NOW alliance, which is helping many struggling homeowners avoid foreclosure. And Congress can help even more. Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to reform Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac,

Paul: now languishing in an Arkansas federal prison...
modernize the Federal Housing Administration, and allow state housing agencies to issue tax-free bonds to help homeowners refinance their mortgages. (Applause.)

Paul: Yeah, great job shutting that barn door, Dubya.
Paula: Not a horse in sight.
Paul: We're notorious for it, Paula.
Paula: Yep, we don't recognize a threat until it happens, do we? :-)
Paul: Did you notice the way Cheney's looking at him?
Paula: *Bela Lugosi voice* "Pull de string! Pull de string!!"

These are difficult times for many American families, and by taking these steps, we can help more of them keep their homes.

Paul: Homes, yes. JOBS -- well that's another story.

To build a future of quality health care, we must trust patients and doctors to make medical decisions and empower them with better information and better options.

Paul: And that starts by cutting funding for many of their programs.

We share a common goal: making health care more affordable and accessible for all Americans. (Applause.)

Paula: Except those that are old enough to be a burden.
Paul: We will however help any white women in a vegetative state in Florida.

The best way to achieve that goal is by expanding consumer choice, not government control. (Applause.)

Paul: I think consumer choice dictated we never wanted this scum-bag for president.
Paula: Consumer choice said not to invade Iraq either, doncha know?
Paul: Oooh, yah, good point there, Margie.

So I have proposed ending the bias in the tax code against those who do not get their health insurance through their employer. This one reform would put private coverage within reach for millions, and I call on the Congress to pass it this year. (Applause.)

Paula: Better late than never, eh Georgie?
Paul: We should go to all the children of the nation now and say, "This is NOT the man the country thought they were getting in 2001. This is a president on his last year, trying to do something to salvage his legacy and get into heaven now." :-)
Paula: Why didn't we do this sooner?
Paul: Nine-Eleven!
Paula: Will you stop saying that?!
Paul: But it's the universal answer for everything. It's like Douglas Adams' '42'!
Paula: Give it a rest, Rudi.
The Congress must also expand health savings accounts, create Association Health Plans for small businesses, promote health information technology, and confront the epidemic of junk medical lawsuits. (Applause.)
Paula: Again, better late than never.
Paul: This speech should be entitled "the Better Late than Never Speech".
Paula: Or "The Seven-Year Bitch".
Paul: Oh, I like that. Spot on, Agnes!

With all these steps, we will help ensure that decisions about your medical care are made in the privacy of your doctor's office -- not in the halls of Congress. (Applause.)
Paul: AHEM. Terri Schiavo????
Paula: Don't start!

On education, we must trust students to learn if given the chance, and empower parents to demand results from our schools. In neighborhoods across our country, there are boys and girls with dreams -- and a decent education is their only hope of achieving them.

Paul: Oh here we go, the No Child Left Behind Act.
Paula: Which still hasn't been funded with a single penny from the government.
Paul: Amazing. They come up with the ideas and expect the U.S. to pay for it.

Six years ago, we came together to pass the No Child Left Behind Act,

Paul: Bing!

and today no one can deny its results. Last year, fourth and eighth graders achieved the highest math scores on record.

Paul: While First through Third graders, fifth through seventh graders and 9th through 12th graders were not polled in this survey, we're confident they're doing okay too.
Paula: I'm personally reading at an eighth-grade level, and raring to get to "My Pet Goat: The Sequel".

Reading scores are on the rise. African American and Hispanic students posted all-time highs. (Applause.)

Paul: All ten of them!
Paula: What school did they go to find this out?
Paul: I don't know. Someplace that had a lot of Hispanics and blacks.
PAula: East L.A.??

Now we must work together to increase accountability, add flexibility for states and districts, reduce the number of high school dropouts, provide extra help for struggling schools.
Paul: To do this, we propose another idea for American citizens to pay for.
Paula: Increase accountability? HAHAHAHAHA!

Members of Congress: The No Child Left Behind Act is a bipartisan achievement. It is succeeding. And we owe it to America's children, their parents, and their teachers to strengthen this good law. (Applause.)
Paul: Congress to Dubya: Allocate monies to fund the program, you dildo.
Paula: He owes it to America to resign as President too, but I don't see that happening.

We must also do more to help children when their schools do not measure up.
Paula: We shall close down every school that is not measuring up.
Paul: Can they use the metric system to measure?
Paula: Did you know he made these EXACT same statements in a radio address in October of 2006?
Paul: My God, he's retooling his speeches!

Thanks to the D.C. Opportunity Scholarships you approved, more than 2,600 of the poorest children in our Nation's Capital have found new hope at a faith-based or other non-public school.
Paul: They'll grow up to be good, healthy Baptists.
Paula: Do you know that these poor kids really need, Dubya? How about food and shelter!?
Paul: You'll be starving and sad all your life, but by gum, you will get an education!
Sadly, these schools are disappearing at an alarming rate in many of America's inner cities.
Paul: Good! Less religion in schools!
Paula: Replaced by good, secure drug houses.
So I will convene a White House summit aimed at strengthening these lifelines of learning. And to open the doors of these schools to more children, I ask you to support a new $300 million program called Pell Grants for Kids. We have seen how Pell Grants help low-income college students realize their full potential. Together, we've expanded the size and reach of these grants. Now let us apply that same spirit to help liberate poor children trapped in failing public schools. (Applause.)

Paul: Of course, we won't be funding THAT either.
Paula: Seven years too late once again, Shrubbery.
Paul: Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Presidency on its deathbed.
Paula: *whistles and applause*
On trade, we must trust American workers to compete with anyone in the world and empower them by opening up new markets overseas. Today, our economic growth increasingly depends on our ability to sell American goods and crops and services all over the world.
Paul: Like it has for the last few centuries.
Paula: Bush, tell us something we don't know just once?
So we're working to break down barriers to trade and investment wherever we can.
Paul: By allowing China to cut major corners in food and products.

We're working for a successful Doha Round of trade talks, and we must complete a good agreement this year.
Paul: Because it's my last year and I got nuttin' else! Waaaaaaah!!!

At the same time, we're pursuing opportunities to open up new markets by passing free trade agreements.

Paula: And the barn door closes yet again...
Paul: We will also allow trading with any country that sends troops to Iraq.

I thank the Congress for approving a good agreement with Peru. And now I ask you to approve agreements with Colombia and Panama and South Korea. (Applause.)
Paul: Panama, Columbia, Peru? That's three-quarters of the cocaine trade! Oh...you know, that suddenly made a lot of sense...

Many products from these nations now enter America duty-free, yet many of our products face steep tariffs in their markets. These agreements will level the playing field. They will give us better access to nearly 100 million customers. They will support good jobs for the finest workers in the world: those whose products say "Made in the USA." (Applause.)
Paula: Ah, there's that unbridled arrogance again.
Paul: Does he not understand that if we start doing that, and other countries see that they lose MONEY trading with us, that they WON'T trade with us anymore?
Paula: That would make sense, yes.
Paul: I mean, the whole reason these countries survive is because of the tariffs on us!
These agreements also promote America's strategic interests. The first agreement that will come before you is with Colombia, a friend of America that is confronting violence and terror, and fighting drug traffickers.
Paula: And we've done a great job at that. Kids are now going into the medicine cabinets for more drugs.
Paul: So we worked on one problem, yet created a bigger one. Way to go.
If we fail to pass this agreement, we will embolden the purveyors of false populism in our hemisphere.

Paul: Embolden the what?!
Paula: Nevermind that, why the hell does he have to use the word 'embolden'? I thought that was reserved for terrorists.
Paul: Nono, INSURGENTS.
Paula: Ahhhh, okay. Well, what's the difference?
So we must come together, pass this agreement, and show our neighbors in the region that democracy leads to a better life. (Applause.)
Paul: Be like us! Be like us! Be like us!
Paula: Resistance is useless. You shall be assimilated!
Trade brings better jobs and better choices and better prices. Yet for some Americans, trade can mean losing a job, and the federal government has a responsibility to help. (Applause.)
Paul: Let's help by pulling out all troops and cutting all funding to Iraq.
Paula: They have the RESPONSIBILITY to help, but as in so many cases, it will not.
I ask Congress to reauthorize and reform trade adjustment assistance, so we can help these displaced workers learn new skills and find new jobs. (Applause.)
Paul: I'm begging Congress to leave me a legacy!
Paula: Learn new skills and find new jobs. Yep, that's a great idea about 100 years in the making. Thanks, Dubya, well done.
To build a future of energy security, we must trust in the creative genius of American researchers and entrepreneurs and empower them to pioneer a new generation of clean energy technology. (Applause.)
Paula: Again, we'll be helping out by cutting funding on many of their programs as well.
Paul: *Yosemite Sam's voice* Ah hates geniuses!

Our security, our prosperity, and our environment all require reducing our dependence on oil. Last year, I asked you to pass legislation to reduce oil consumption over the next decade, and you responded.

Paul: By pushing the price of oil to $100 per barrel.
Paula: Who cares? In the next decade, I'll be safely back on my ranch, hyuk hyuk.
Paul: No responsibilty to no one anymore, woohoo!

Together we should take the next steps: Let us fund new technologies that can generate coal power while capturing carbon emissions. (Applause.)
Paul: Please God, give me a legacy!

Let us increase the use of renewable power and emissions-free nuclear power. (Applause.)

Paul: Let us make pigs fly.
Paula: Let us do ALL of this in one year's time.
Paul: Let us salvage my lousy presidency!

Let us continue investing in advanced battery technology and renewable fuels to power the cars and trucks of the future. (Applause.)

Paul: Notice how he pauses each time. There's got to be an "Applause" sign out there somewhere. He's looking at them like, "If you don't applaud, I'll send your ass overseas."
Paula: How anyone, any human being, can possibly still applaud this scum -- is just beyond belief.
Paul: They're doing it only because it's his last year. It's a "You tried your best" applause.
Paula: Oh, pity applause.
Paul: There you go.

Let us create a new international clean technology fund, which will help developing nations like India and China make greater use of clean energy sources. And let us complete an international agreement that has the potential to slow, stop, and eventually reverse the growth of greenhouse gases. (Applause.)

Paula: AGAIN, seven years too late, Dubya!
Paul: How long is 'eventually'?
Paula: Long after he's dead. And you.
Paul: I need a break, can we pause this?
Paula: Sure, I guess. You okay?
Paul: I can only listen to so much shit for just so long before I realize it doesn't make a sound.
Paula: That's deep, Paul.
Paul: Well, so is this shit.
Paula: Touche'. We'll be right back... ;-)

*click*

The Cats Celebrate The Christmas Year that Wasn't then Was...

2010-12-23T17:44:00.000-08:00

We both stood there and looked at the glowing lights, the shining ornaments, the strings of pretty plastic pearls lacing across and down the sides. It looked like an amazing tree. We smiled at each other and hugged, close to tears. Grimalkin paused in licking his front paw on the sofa, staring at us quizzically.
"Aww, why are you two so gloomy? It's Christmas..." The burly cat hopped down and sat in front of us. "This is supposed to be a happy, joyous occasion."
"Oh, we're happy, definitely," Paula spoke up, kneeling down on the floor to scratch his ears. "It's just that this is such a turnaround from the year before, it feels like last Christmas was a nightmare that never happened..."
"You two were sad..." Karma, our littlest, joined us by the tree, curling up close to her older "brother-cat". "I remember you sat there at the dining room table and picked out books from the shelves to wrap as gifts...and you didn't have much of a dinner, either. We were all starving that day..."
Paula nodded. "That's right. Remember when we left the three of you alone to drive to Paul's parents' house too?"
"Oh God, the wind!" Mystery crept up on her feline companions, sitting between them. "I can't remember when it was so windy on Christmas, no snow...just this unending howl. We were so scared and jumpy; remember, you couldn't find Karma when you walked into the house."
"Hey! I was just going someplace to escape all the noise, that's all..."
I grinned at Paula. "Remember my parents' place? Not only did they not get you a present, they made us both feel guilty for complaining about the long drive in 60 mph wind gusts..."
"You know, I've STILL not gotten my gift from the "secret Santa" pool yet?"
"Don't remind me. In fact, let's not think about it anymore. That was Christmas of 2009..."
We laughed and looked at each other, imitating Comic-Book Guy from the Simpsons. "Worst. Christmas. EVER."
The cats watched the lighted tree for a few moments, then Mystery spoke up quietly. "Christmas 2010. Hmm. Has a nice ring to it. Like it means something..."
"Maybe it does," I shrugged and sat down on the floor so she could cuddle in my lap. "I think it means a lot already. I mean, look at all these presents...we're actually dressed well, I'm shaved and clean. The house looks nice, we have all these cards and decor all up..."
The cat purrred softy and nuzzled against my chin. "Is this our best Christmas?"
"Well," I chuckled as Paula joined the group, holding Karma and Grimalkin close to her side. "We'll just have to see what next year brings..."

What a difference a year makes. This time last year, about this time, Paula and I chose about ten books, some old candles and a plate - and wrapped them in Christmas paper, just so we had something to place under the tree. I know Christmas isn't about the tree, or the gifts, or the money...but it's REALLY hard to feel Christmas in our hearts - if we don't see it, or hear it, or sense it in our minds. Maybe I'm over-commercializing it. Maybe Christmas does mean a little bit more to me. I'm not a big fan of the Grinch story because I DON'T believe people can be happy on Christmas without food, or presents, or a tree.

Yeah, I know it's supposed to be about this prophet born in Bethlehem who ended up doing a lot of good things for the world.

But if you recall, Baby Jesus got gifts. =)

So I think my logic is sane. I don't know how Paula feels about all this, and my reasoning, but I'm sure she'll agree. You can have good Christmases and bad Christmases. You can have the WORST Christmas of your life one year.

All you have to do is come back stronger next year. We did, and we couldn't be happier.

Merry Christmas to you all. We hope our story enlightens you enough to be thankful for the Christmas you're having now, the Christmases you've had in the past, and the many Christmases still to come...

With love from the writers and the cats... =)

The Cats' Solution to the Nation's Economy...

2010-12-20T10:03:00.000-08:00

We were all watching "60 Minutes" last night, the five of us. It's hard for cats to take an interest in a talking head on the screen, but they realized we were interested, so they feigned it nicely, curled up together on the floor.
"Geez," I remarked, "So New Jersey's governor, Chris Christie, thinks the best way to get out of the current state's debt is to cut every tax, cut as many jobs as possible, and forget paying back the state-sponsored or civil employee pensions anytime soon..."
"It's root hog or die now," Paula scoffed, "Nothing personal, America, just back to the jungle, every man for himself, pick your cliche..."
Mystery looked up at us with her wide boo-eyes. "Hogs?"
"Well, yeah, in Colonial times, we let the pigs go out into the fields to fend for themselves after a corn crop. It was cheaper to let them forage, and not have to feed them. So Mr. Christie here is simply doing the same. He's counting on the disgruntled people picking up work somehow, to fend off bankruptcies, foreclosures, etc..."
Mystery snorted. "What a way to run a state. Why is it that your leaders seem to see that the only solution to anything is to cut taxes and expenses?"
"It's called saving money," Grimalkin yawned and then curled up on his side. "The main focus of just about any business these days is to cut expenses. Less expenses, less overhead, and you get more profits..."
"Well, sure, everyone knows THAT. But this isn't a business; it's a state, or a country..."
"Runs the same way, sweetie," I knelt down to the floor to pet her, and she rolled onto her back, batting at my hand. "Think of America like this huge apartment complex, and we're tenants who pay for the services around it; like electricity, heating, water," I pointed to the TV, "entertainment, internet, and so on. Now a lot of apartments are starting to get older, more run-down, and dilapidated, and we can't take the time or effort to spruce them up again. So other apartments either have to take on the expenses of caring for these eye-sores, or look for other places that interest us."
"So people might stop shopping for things in New Jersey?"
"Possibly, yeah..."
"Well, that's just dumb." Karma sat up on her haunches and gave us her coldest stare. "The POINT is spending. If New Jersey is suffering, shouldn't we be plugging MORE money into that area?"
"Absolutely. Online shoppers might want to consider going only to places like New Jersey to get goods, just to help businesses there succeed, and they in turn help others..."
"How will that help?"
Paula replied, "I recall a story on NBC News, about a pharmacy in the South that was offering a $100 bonus or something to each of his employees. The stipulation was that they could only spend that $100 in their own small town..."
"Why?"
"Oooh, I know," Mystery sat up too, "Because they are putting money back into the businesses there, which allows them to thrive and continue paying their employees, who are in turn serving customers, who will continue to buy from them..."
"That's exactly right. So instead of shunning New Jersey, and letting them fend for themselves, we, and more people like us, should be doing as much business as we can in New Jersey, Ohio, Illinois, Michigan, any of the states with the worst debts right at this moment. We help these states pull out from under, and they'll be able to help their own people more...think globally, buy locally..."
We all looked at the TV deep in thought for a moment.
Karma whispered to Mystery. "Do you think Americans are willing to do something like that?"
Mystery chuckled. "I have no idea. If they're truly Americans, and care about their country, I sure hope so..."

>^^<

The Cats and Writers Unveil the New Website! =)

2010-12-10T18:08:00.000-08:00

We're excited, obviously! Our new website went live about three hours ago, and it's been fun. Streamlined, sleek, filled with good words, and lots of links. We hope it vaults us to the top of the Google realm. Time will tell!

Ebooks are coming! We're going to start with "Planning the Purrfect Meeting" very soon available on-line, so look for that soon! =)

And yes, more pictures and adventures of Grimalkin, Mystery and Karma coming as well! =)

Edit: Karma peeks at the screen, and then at Paul. "Um..." She reaches forward, tapping the glass with a paw. "Linky?"
"Right...sorry, overworked..."
www.scribesunlimited.com

The Cats Fondly Remember Elizabeth Edwards...

2010-12-07T14:37:00.000-08:00

They must understand what is happening, because all three of them came into the office a moment ago, and curled up together on the carpet, just relaxing, looking resigned and strangely calm.

These little monkeys know quite well what death is all about and what happens next. We'd like to think they understand how wonderful of a person Elizabeth Edwards was. She was always admired for her courage, ever since being diagnosed with breast cancer in 2004. We all knew she's been handed a death-sentence even then.

Grimalkin and Mystery were still kittens at that time, and Karma wasn't even a gleam in a cat's eye yet. But the four of us were huddled together when Senator Edwards made the tragic announcement and that he was still planning to run with Kerry. She showed courage even then.

When John Edwards was found out for indiscretions later on, we saw Elizabeth take on an entirely different kind of courage: allowing the media and the world to poke into her private life, and the lives of her family, for the sake of a juicy tabloid cover.

Malkie just got up from the carpet just now and has padded over to watch me (Paul) typing this out. I look over at him, and he looks up at me with the adorable dumb expression we all love. I know he senses a little sadness in me right now. I guess I'm sad mostly because Elizabeth said what amounted to a farewell to the world on her Facebook page the day before. It was haunting; like she knew she was going soon.

I'm inwardly glad that cats do not understand death, or mortality. They don't know when their bodies are too frail, and they don't understand why we cry when we lose someone.

Well, I'd better get off of the blog for now, and give these cats some attention and perhaps some dinner. They're all looking at me now - and I'm somehow certain they can sense I'm a little sad...

The Cats Watch Us Make Greek Cinnamon Chicken (Kota Kapama)

2010-12-06T10:07:00.000-08:00

So we have cats surrounding Paula in the kitchen now, tails held high, whiskers twitching in curiosity. Their eyes gleam; almost like little pinpoints. They are ravenous. And you know why? Paula's making Greek Cinnamon chicken, a classic recipe passed down through the ages. Here what you need:
Preparation time: 90 minutes.

4 to 6 pieces of chicken, thighs or breasts (bones can be left in or out. Keep the bones in for extra flavor)
2 small onions
2 tbsp of butter
1 tbsp of extra virgin olive oil (or any kind of olive oil; we all love EVOO)
ground cinnamon, salt, and pepper to taste. You can balance this out yourself; we like a lot of cinnamon on ours.
1 stick of cinnamon to add for extra flavor
1/2 bottle of your favorite tomato sauce, or 1 small can of tomato paste
2 cups of chicken broth
pinch of sugar to cut the tomato acidity

Okay, now watch the magic. Season the chicken with salt, pepper and cinnamon. Set aside. Don't let the cats near it, no matter how they beg. Chop the onions (definitely keep THIS away from the cats; it can hurt them =( ) and brown them while the butter is melting in a large dutch-oven type pan with cover. As soon as the butter browns slightly, add olive oil to keep it from burning. Brown the chicken skin-side down until you get a nice crust. Turn chicken over and add chicken broth and tomato sauce (or paste). Add the cinnamon stick. Bring to a boil, making sure the chicken is covered with the liquid. Once it's boiling, simmer uncovered until the liquid is reduced. Cover and cook for 45 minutes on low.

Serve this over your favorite pasta, and for extra flavor, brown some butter over the pasta. That's it! You go now! Cook!

Malkie, get away from the stove!

How the Cats Stole the Grinch: Part One

2010-12-02T15:30:00.000-08:00

"You're such a Grinch!" Karma complained suddenly, bounding atop of Malkie as he lay curled up quietly on the living room rug last night.
"Ow, ow...get off me! I am not!" The two cats rolled around a few times, biting and scratching at one another before Karma hopped back off, panting, then easing herself down to go into pounce-mode again.
"Will you two stop it?" Paula and I came into the room with some eggnog and sat down. "Karma, do you even know what a Grinch is?"
"Sure!" she chimed, shaking herself all over. "It's a big green thing that attacks Christmas. And...and takes gifts away from others and hides them in mountains for you to find...?"
Mystery giggled from her place on the couch, relaxing in a ball of fur. She lifted her head up from her tail and sniffed. "Come on, you're not even close!"
"Alright, so what is he then?"
The older girl thought a moment and then smiled. "Well, he just plain hates Christmas...and um..."
"Hmm, if I may, you three, I think I have the book here..." I walked over to the bookcase we all shared and picked out the Dr. Seuss masterpiece. Sitting down, the other three cats surrounded me curiously. "Okay, let's see..." And I began to read:

"Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot...
But the Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville, did NOT!"

Karma: "Wait, are these the same Whos that Horton heard?"
Paul:     "Who?"
Karma: "You knowwww, the elephant, Horton, with the flower? And he had to save them?"
Paul:    "Look, can we move on? It doesn't really matter which Whos the Whos were. Whose telling the story is important..."
Mystery: "But...Who IS telling the story?"
Paul:    "A Who in Whoville, I imagine...anyway, may I continue?"
Mystery: "Sorry."

"The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight..."

Karma: "Or, it could be that maybe he was a Muslim Who!"
Mystery: "He's NOT a Who!"
Karma: "Oh right, he's The Grinch. What's THAT mean? THE Grinch. Is he the last of his kind or something?"
Mystery: "Well, maybe he comes down from the mountain and pro-creates, how should I know?"
Malkie: "So there could be, like, Who-Grinches down there. What's the whole deal with Whoville then? Are they trying to pass themselves off as their own society, and others aren't welcome?"
Karma: "If they were in Arkansas or something, obviously we'd be bringing up the maaajor inbreeding going on here..."
Mystery: "Oh, yes..."

"But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small..."

Malkie: "Isn't that a terminal affliction?"
Mystery: "Oh you're so right, that's practically fatal. I don't see how he survived in the mountains at this rate. The smaller heart indicates a need for more oxygen, and there's hardly enough on a mountain top...".
Paul:    "Will you two stop? He's fine...you'll see. It's just a metaphor to show he doesn't have much of a heart..."
Mystery and Malkie: "Ohhh."

"Whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes,
He stood there on Christmas Eve... hating the Whos..."

Malkie: "Hmm, you know, hate's a pretty vicious word. Can't he just dislike them a little? We're teaching children to hate something on the holidays and that's just not right."
Mystery: "Oh, and your anti-disestablishment comment was?"
Malkie: "Okay, point made, move on."
Karma: "Although, he could be like the anti-Who..."
Paul:      "Um...what...?"
Karma: "You know, the opposite of the Whos. Maybe there was a great war between Grinches and Whos and he's not gotten over his petty bigotry..."
Mystery: (snickering) "Hello, I'm The Grinch, founder of the Who Klux Klan..."
Karma and Malkie: (giggling)
Paul:      "Guys, please...I'm trying to teach a very good lesson here..."

"Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown,
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every Who down in Whoville beneath,
Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath..."

Malkie: "Anti-social little spud, isn't he?"
Karma: "Well, can you blame him? (puts a paw on the page) He's obviously got a pretty bad skin disease here. Maybe they booted him out of Whoville, and that's why he hates them."
Malkie: "Ah...So this is truly a tale about social status and the lengths of persons to keep their society pure."
Karma: "Oh indeed."

Malkie: "He could have had leprosy..."
Paul:      "Oh for God's sakes, no he didn't, Malkie. He's just...green..."
Karma: "Odd color for a hateful Grinch. I'd have gone with red..."
Mystery: "He doesn't realize he's already festive in that color, the poor thing..."

"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"

Malkie: "I must find a way to stop time!"
Mystery: "See, THIS is the problem with some members of a society. They want something to change for their OWN satisfaction, and never consider the needs of the majority, nor the ramifications of their actions."

"For tomorrow, he knew, all the Who girls and boys,
Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!"

Mystery: (deadpanned expression) "Because that's really what Christmas is all about..."

Karma: "You mean it's not?"

"And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise!"
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!"

Karma:   "Ow ow, you're shouting..."
Paul:       "Sorry."
Malkie:   "Wait, he lives on a MOUNTAIN, what could he possibly hear?"
Paul:       "Well, Whoville sits in a valley; so I suppose he hears the echos."
Karma:   "Yeah, if it, like, caused avalanches or something, I'd hate it too, I guess."
Malkie:   "So he's anti-social AND against music? What's he do up there anyway?"
Mystery: "Hating things, probably...he'd make a great critic."

Then the Whos, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST!
FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!"

Malkie: "Yeah, sustenance in order to survive sure is annoying..."
Mystery: "He must not eat a lot."
Karma:   "Well, he looks a little chubby in the picture. Maybe he's dieting and the Whos are rubbing his face in it?"
Mystery: "So he hates the Whos because they have food, basically."
Malkie:   "That'll work."

"They would feast on Who-pudding, and rare Who-roast beast.
Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least!"

Malkie: "Uhh...Beast?"
Paul:      "I know, is it poultry, beef, pork, no one knows..."
Karma: "Is it rare, meaning hard to find, or is that how it's cooked?"
Mystery: "Well, Grinchie doesn't like it. Oooh, maybe it's one of his type of species. That could be it. Oh my, maybe they're eating-"
Malkie: "Oh that's sick! That's just wrong. Why would they eat a Grinch?"
Karma: "Well, to be clear, it's "beast"."
Mystery: "Maybe they just renamed it "beast" in secret...like mahi-mahi, which is dolphin..."
Malkie:   "Well, I just know I'd be mad as a hornet if someone were eating my cousin..."

"And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Whos would start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing! And they'd SING!
SING! SING! SING!"

Karma: "Again, he's not a fan of music..."
Malkie: "Well, singing might really cause bad avalanches too. I get his point."
Karma: "Sing with me!"
Mystery: "What should we sing?"
Malkie: "They'd sing songs about conformity, and brazen Who-power!
Karma: "Which would tend to get louder hour by hour!
Mystery: "Which would explain the look on the Grinch face so sour!"
Paul:       "COULD WE?"
All three cats: "Sorry..."

"And the more the Grinch thought of this Who ChristmasSing,
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!"
"I MUST stop this Christmas from coming! But HOW?"

Malkie: "And the Grinch thought, "I know. I'll go back into time, run to Bethlehem, kill Jesus..."
Karma: "He's 53 years old? Or, is that just how long he's hated Christmas?"
Malkie: "Yeah, if it's been 53 years, you'd think he'd be used to it by now."
Mystery: "Maybe he had a bad relationship."
Karma:   "With a Who."
Paul:       "Actually in the original tale, I think the Grinch DID have a love interest. Her name was Martha May Whovier in the live-action movie...sort of a cheapshot to Seuss, I always thought."
Karma:   "I'm sorry, but if he's seen something going on for 53 years, and the Whos have NEVER invited him? Hello? Time to leave Whoville!"
Malkie:   "And The Grinch was so mad he thought he would cry / And he sniffed, "Maybe I'll give San Francisco a try..."
Mystery and Karma: (giggling)
Paul:      (sighing) "Moving on..."

"Then he got an idea! An awful idea! THE GRINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!"

Mystery: "See, to me, this is so wrong. This is just just what I was talking about, the tendancy for some humans to bring about radical changes only to suit themselves and not the general populace...You see it in almost every James Bond film."
Karma: "Says the feline who causes the humans to radically change the litterbox daily..."
Mystery: "Excuse me??"
Malkie:   "Uh-oh. I'll just go lie down upstairs for a while, I think..."
Paul:     (closing the book) "Wait for me..."

Copyright Thedore S. Geisel, 1957 - "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"
Published by Random House

Paws for Reflection on Rudolph...

2010-12-01T12:00:00.000-08:00

So we were sitting in the living room last night, surfing through channels. Hardly anything on anymore. We found that we really only watch four shows religiously. Hawaii Five-O, CSI, Criminal Minds, and the Big Bang Theory. It's no surprise all four of these are on CBS. NBC had their day in the sun with "Kelsey Grammar", "Friends", "Will and Grace", and others. Now it's just plain reality comedy; formulaic, boring, obnoxious. Paula won't even touch "The Office" because of Steve Correll's role in it. She seems to indicate that one of her former bosses was exactly the same way.

Spooky...

Anyway, Karma, our littlest cat, hopped up onto the sofa where Paula lay on her side perusing notes for tomorrow's work assignment. The cat purred and stretched, padding carefully up her body and settling on her hip, looking at her with slitted green eyes. "Attention now, please," she meowed, digging claws into the blanket the woman had over her. It amazes me how skittish the 5-year-old is around me, and yet with Paula at her mercy, she's as affectionate and sweet as any little black cat in the world. Maybe she just doesn't like guys. Well, guy humans anyway. She follows after Grimalkin, our 21-pound bear of a black cat, like a lovesick puppy. Too bad for her and him though. They're both without working kitty-making parts.

Mystery climbed up onto my lap as Karma was settling in for the night, purred to submission with just a few rubs across her back from Paula. My own lap cat looked at me, then back at the TV set I was channeling through, startled as I gave a quick cry of alarm and switched channels quickly to CBS to catch "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" for a moment. All 20 pounds of her shuffled around in my lap and across my belly, and I had a tough time breathing for a minute.

"What did you do that for?! You scared me!" Mystery meowed at me, her yellow eyes wide. Boo-eyes, we call them.
"Sorry, Rudolph was on, it's sort of a tradition...been watching it for about 40 years or so; you guys have seen it about five times yourselves..."
The cat shook her head and sighed. "I never quite understood that show. Isn't it clearly just a tale of reindeer angst and separatism, the very essence of conformity, and the beginnings of fascism?"
"What are you talking about?"
Mystery put a paw on my nose. "The red nose, stupid. Clearly this was some form of species bigotry..."
"Wait, wait, Rudolph wasn't a red-nosed reindeer. He was a reindeer with a red nose. There's no such thing as a red-nosed reindeer species-wise...is there?"
"I'm sure there is, if Rudolph got busy with another reindeer..."
"Well, that's crazy. Red noses aren't inherited."
Grimalkin (affectionately named "Malkie") joined the group just then, moving like a bear in the woods until he sat down in front of us. "What about Hermie?"
"What about him?"
"Yeah, what about the elf?", Mystery chimed in, "The one that wanted to be a dentist, right? There's a CLEAR example of conformity right there."

I looked at her thoughtfully. "Okay, granted, Hermie wanted to be a dentist, I get that. If you're not happy in your job, you should look for another, sure..."
Karma opened one green eye and looked at all of us before yawning widely, stretching a foreleg. "But it wasn't just that," she mewed softly, more awake. "I mean, he was an ELF. What else is an elf supposed to do on the North Pole? Hermie should have compromised. A part-time dentistry career after the holidays would have probably sufficed..."
Malkie nodded. "I concur. I also had a problem with the misfit toys...Your human society leads us to believe that misfits are to be treated entirely differently, and to be ridiculed and publicized in the mainstream media."
Paula objected. "Now wait a minute here. Those toys needed homes and if you saw in the end, they did indeed find themselves homes...so all worked out for the best..."
Malkie batted an ear at her. "Do you think people are going to realize a bird can swim, that's NOT a penguin? The moment they see that bird, their first instinct will be to coop the poor thing into a cage. And then they'll be shocked to death come a week later, they find the poor feathered thing dead on the bottom of the cage of dehydration..."
"Alright, alright, hold it...just hold it..." My head was spinning.
"And the water pistol that squirted jelly, Jesus H. Christ. Someone obviously filled the thing up with jelly, that's all..."
"Malkie!"
"And what about the cowboy that rode an ostrich?" added Karma, getting up to her haunches, "I mean, it's laughable. An ostrich's kick is about 2,000 pounds of force. No cowboy in the world would survive atop an ostrich..."
"It was a toy!"
"So? And the spotted elephant? What's wrong with a spotted elephant?!"
Mystery nodded, "Or the dolly named Sue, what was wrong with her?"
Karma giggled. "And the CHARLIE in the box? Oh. My. God. What court system exists in this country that allows a toy to name himself?!"
Paula started to laugh. "You know who I felt really bad for? The bumble. That Abominable Snow monster thing..."
"Which is only found in the Himalayas, if I recall." Malkie smiled. "He was WAY off course."
I sighed and shook my head. "Why did everyone feel sorry for him?"
Karma replied, "Well, he lost all his teeth, for one thing. That's just begging for mouth cancer...I give that monster another two, three years of life at best..."
Mystery blinked. "Hermie's a DENTIST. I'm sure he helped the bumble."
"Provided the elf manager lets him have the dentist office. You're speculating."
"I'm merely pointing out that since the bumble proved helpful, he'll get free dental insurance..."
Malkie snorted. "But he's not an elf...and therein lies the whole conformity issue that was brought up earlier..."
Paula sighed, "Do you know who got the shortest end of the stick? Yukon Cornelius. The poor man's been going after silver and gold all his life, and he ends up in Santa's shop helping elves the rest of his life. His dreams are shattered forever..."
Karma hmmed. "How'd he get to the North Pole anyway?"
"Huh?"
"Well, the show takes place in 1965; weren't we at the height of the Cold War at this time? How the hell did he get through Russia?"
Mystery shrugged, "Maybe Yukon has duel citizenship..."
"Well, that would make him a communist..."
"He WASN'T a Communist," I growled, exasperated. "Look, could we just watch the show in peace for a while and not bicker?"
The three cats looked at each other and shrugged, laying down and watching the television.
"How is it the snowman knows all of this?"
"Karma..."
"Sorry..."
"Reindeer games, that's hilarious..."
"Malkie..."
"Okay, okay..."
"Paul, how do reindeer fly?"
I stroked Mystery's ears and chuckled. "Santa magic, sweetheart..."
She looked at me for a moment. "Drugs."
"Yep, drugs..."
"Definitely drugs..."
"You know what, I'm just going to change the channel now..."

Just a quick test...

2010-11-26T10:02:00.000-08:00

Making sure our blog is working nicely. We dig the template design. The spooky cats in the foreground, watching the city in the distance. True art. Great job, Btemplates! =)